Gundam Wing Pilots asTUXEDO KAMEN?
by Mogui
Summary: What happens when the Gundam Wing pilots try for the role of Tuxedo Kamen? What happens when the Inner Senshi try for the role of Relena? What happens when GW/SM characters try for Hollywood films?
1. Gundam Wing Pilots asTuxedo Kamen?

GUNDAM WING PILOTS AS TUXEDO KAMEN??????  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing or Sailor Moon. This is simply a sleep-deprived person's attempt at humor.  
  
* * * * *  
  
[One day, Chiba Mamoru decided to take a vacation during the filming of Sailor Moon. The producers and directors, desperate for a replacement, decided to extend an invitation to each of the Gundam Wing pilots to tryout for the role of Tuxedo Kamen.]  
  
***Heero Yui as Tuxedo Kamen***  
  
SM Villian: Hahaha! I will take all the energy I need so that the Dark Moon can rule the world! Hahahahaha!  
  
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?  
  
[A single red rose is deftly thrown in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins.]  
  
Heero: Omae o korosu!  
  
Director: Cut! Cut! What in the world was that? Sailor Moon characters can't go threatening to kill people.  
  
Heero (turns to stare at Director): Omae o korosu!  
  
Director: That's it! Get this guy out of here!  
  
Heero (draws his gun): Omae...  
  
***Duo Maxwell as Tuxedo Kamen***  
  
SM Villian: Hahaha! You sailor soldiers are no match for my powers! I will rule the world! Hahahahahahahaha!  
  
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?  
  
[A single black rose is expertly tossed in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins.]  
  
Duo: Hahaha! Get ready, because Shinigami is here to send you to hell!  
  
Director: Cut! Cut! You can't talk about the God of Death or sending people to hell! This is Sailor Moon, for crying out! No death! At least nothing permanent. And anything involving ruin or destruction should be pretty and cute, like Hotaru!  
  
Sailor Saturn (blushes)  
  
Director (glares at DUO): Your discussion of death is crass and crude. What is up with you Gundam pilots? Get him out of here!  
  
Duo: Damn! I needed the money. And there were so many cute chicks on this show!  
  
***Trowa Barton as Tuxedo Kamen***  
  
SM Villian: Hahaha! You are all at my mercy, you pretty sailor suited soldiers! The world is mine! Hahahahahahahaha!  
  
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?  
  
[A single red rose is thrown into the ground in front of the villain and the cheesy music begins once again.]  
  
Trowa: ..............  
  
(Everyone continues to look up expectantly at Trowa)  
  
Trowa: .............  
  
Director: Say something for crying out loud! Are you mute???  
  
Trowa: ............?  
  
Director: Cut! Cut! What the hell is going on here! Get the strong and silent one out of here. Sailor Moon requires very vocal characters. This guy doesn't cut it!  
  
***Quatre Raberba Winner as Tuxedo Kamen***  
  
SM Villain: Hahaha! The world shall feel my wrath! I shall suck up all the energy and shall leave this planet lifeless. Hahahahahahahaha!  
  
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?  
  
[A bouquet of red roses are carefully tossed to the ground in front of the villain and the cheesy music starts.]  
  
Quatre (tears in his eyes): Please, violence is not the answer! Do not destroy our Mother Earth, it is a kind and beautiful place.  
  
SM Villain: That's not in the script!  
  
Director: Cut! Cut! Where are you picking up this garbage, you sissy boy?!  
  
Quatre (eyes begin to turn maniacal): You mock me??? Ha! Then you shall all die! Die! All of you!  
  
Director: HELP!  
  
***Wufei Chang as Tuxedo Kamen***  
  
SM Villain: Hahahaha! My diabolical plan is almost complete! So what if all my past plans have failed miserably? This time, no one can stop me. Hahahahahaha!  
  
Sailor Moon: Oh no, what shall we do?  
  
[A single red rose is thrown perfectly in front of the villain. Cheesy music blares out of the stereo system (Wufei apparently likes the music a lot).]  
  
Wufei: Stop, foul villain! Your actions are unjust and shall not be forgiven! I cannot let you and your vile plans come to fruition! I stand for justice!  
  
Director (stars in his eyes): I'm so happy! Finally one of them fits our mold!  
  
Wufei: I will defend these weaklings against your unjust oppression!  
  
Sailor Moon: Hey! We're not weak!  
  
Wufei (glares): Yes, you are. Now shut up, onna. I'm not done with my lines. I have another few pages left to go. Meanwhile, I want all of you weak onnas to keep your mouths shut!  
  
Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, and Sailor Uranus: WHAT?! WEAK?! We'll show you!  
  
[Wufei is attacked by several Sailor Senshi.]  
  
Director (hands in face): I give up. Where is Chiba Mamoru when I need him?  
  
***Chiba Mamoru relaxing on a beach for his vacation***  
  
Mamoru: Ahh...I love this vacation. Are you enjoying yourself, Relena- san?  
  
Relena: Yes, it's great to be on vacation. I wonder if they've found a temporary replacement for my role in Gundam Wing?  
  
Mamoru: Hmm...I wonder who will try out for your part?  
  
* * * * *  
  
Author's Note: This was originally just a little "Omake" (extra) added to one of my Gundam Wing humor fanfics (Relena Peacecraft and the Quest for the Holy Grail). But I figured I would also drop this in the GW/SM section. 


	2. Sailor Senshi as Relena Darlian?

SAILOR SENSHI AS RELENA DARLIAN/PEACECRAFT??????  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing or Sailor Moon. This is simply a sleep-deprived person's attempt at humor (I tend to write these late at night for some reason).  
  
* * * * *  
  
[The producers and directors of Gundam Wing were taken aback by Relena Darlian/Peacecraft's sudden vacation, and begged each of the Sailor Senshi to temporarily fill in for the role of Relena Darlian/Peacecraft.]  
  
***Sailor Moon (Tsukino Usagi) as Relena Darlian/Peacecraft***  
  
[Heero washes onto the beach, still wearing his space suit.]  
  
Usagi (looking at him): He's still a child...  
  
Heero (begins to stir)  
  
Usagi: Don't worry, an ambulance is coming!  
  
Heero (wakes up and quickly covers his face): Did you see it?  
  
Usagi (confused): See what? That pimple?  
  
[Ambulance arrives. Heero beats up the ambulance folks and takes off in the ambulance.]  
  
Usagi (standing alone, speaks to herself): I stand for love, justice and pacifism! I am Sailor Peacecraft! And you are...?  
  
Director (shudders): Cut! Sailor Peacecraft?! Oh, the horror! Get her out of here!  
  
Director (turns to Heero): Go to the make-up artist and get that covered up!  
  
***Sailor Venus (Aino Minako) as Relena Darlian/Peacecraft***  
  
Teacher: Please quite down! I would like to introduce you to a new classmate.  
  
Heero (monotone): Heero Yui. Nice to meet you.  
  
Teacher: Heero, why don't you sit...  
  
Minako (raises hand): He can sit here!  
  
Heero (timidly sits next to Minako)  
  
Minako (purrs): Hi there, handsome!  
  
Heero (blushes furiously)  
  
Director: Cut! Cut! We can't use her! Argghh! I should have remembered that Heero is a nervous-wreck around gorgeous blondes! That's the whole reason why we got Relena in the first place! We need someone more plain- looking to be Relena.  
  
Minako (turns to Heero and blinks): Oh my! I just got something in my eye! Heero, can you see what it is?  
  
Heero (nervously leans over to look)  
  
Minako (sneaks a kiss): Hehehe...that always works!  
  
Director (jaw drops): Get her out of here, before she seduces our main character!  
  
***Sailor Mars (Hino Rei) as Relena Darlian/Peacecraft***  
  
Rei (hands Heero an invitation): This is for you. I'm having a birthday party tomorrow. I hope you can make it.  
  
Heero (tears up the invitation and drops it on the ground)  
  
Heero (whispers): Omae o korosu!  
  
Rei (infuriated): Omae o korosu?! That's what I get for inviting you to my party?! Have you no respect? That's it! MARS FLAME SNIPER!  
  
Heero (looks quite toasty)  
  
Director (horrified): Cut! Get Heero to a hospital! Get the pyromaniac out of here!  
  
Rei (even more infuriated): PYROMANIAC? I'll show you a pyromaniac!  
  
***Intermission***  
  
[Filming is temporarily suspended until a new studio can be built.]  
  
***Sailor Mercury (Mizuno Ami) as Relena Darlian/Peacecraft***  
  
Ami (to Director): I'm really busy studying for school. Can I just get a small line?  
  
Director (flips through script): Here! Say this line from Episode 4!  
  
Ami (reads script) (blushes): I can't say this!  
  
Director (testy): You wanted a small line, so you got it! Go stand there on the cliff and scream your line into the wind.  
  
Ami (sniffs) (walks over to the cliff)  
  
Ami (calls out in a loud voice): HEEEEERRRRROOOOO! Hurry, please come and kiss me!  
  
Everyone (sweatdrops)  
  
Director: Cut! Cut! It's "KILL" me! Not "KISS" me!  
  
Ami (blushes): Sorry! Freudian slip!  
  
***Preparation for Sailor Jupiter (Kino Makoto)'s Scene***  
  
Director (irritable): Where the hell is that boy?  
  
Random Assistant: Uhh...Heero still refuses to come out of his trailer. I think that the Sailor Mars incident sent him over the deep end.  
  
Director (frowns): Damn, we'll just have to do a scene without Heero and Relena.  
  
Random Assistant (whispers to Director): I just found out that Catherine Bloom also ran off on a vacation. Some guy named Nephrite swept her out of here!  
  
Director (looks at Makoto): Can you throw knives?  
  
Makoto (blinks): I suppose...  
  
***Sailor Jupiter (Kino Makoto) as Catherine Bloom***  
  
Makoto (to Trowa): You must trust me. Don't move, okay?  
  
Trowa (raises eyebrow): .........?!  
  
Ringmaster (main stage): Now, we are proud to present our master of knife throwing...the beautiful and incredible Catherine Bloom!  
  
[Makoto enters the ring, wearing a skimpy outfit. She receives cat-calls from some of the men in the audience. Trowa gets strapped to the wooden board. He gets propositioned by some of the women in the audience.]  
  
Makoto: Here I go Trowa!  
  
Cameraman: OWW!!!!!  
  
Makoto (embarrassed): Sorry about that! Let me try again!  
  
Duo (off-stage, getting coffee): OWW! Who the hell threw this knife into my butt?!  
  
Makoto (blushing): I'm really sorry! Let me try one more time!  
  
Director (terrified): Stop throwing knives! Just speak your lines! Remember to speak it to yourself quietly!  
  
Makoto (turns to look at Trowa and concentrates)  
  
Makoto (speaks the lines softly to herself): Please be a little scared, Trowa. What? That boy doesn't know fear? Dead...those eyes are dead!  
  
Trowa (continues to stare at her with an impassive face)  
  
Makoto (continues to speak lines to herself): No! Don't look at me like that! I can't concentrate, Trowa! When you stare at me like that...you remind me of...  
  
Other Sailor Senshi: DON'T SAY "MY OLD BOYFRIEND"!  
  
Makoto (looks hurt): Gee...I was just going to say he reminded me of Haruka-san. So tall, cool and handsome...  
  
Trowa: ...........?!  
  
Director: I GIVE UP!  
  
***Nephrite and Catherine Bloom strolling through Hollywood***  
  
Nephrite: Isn't this great a great vacation? Do you want some chocolate parfait?  
  
Catherine (nods): That would be very nice...  
  
Catherine (trips over a box of film reels): What was that?  
  
Nephrite (picks up a film reel): Looks like rejected Hollywood film clips...? 


	3. GWSM Characters in Hollywood?

Rejected Hollywood Movie Clips Starring Gundam Wing / Sailor Moon Characters  
  
***Nephrite and Catherine Bloom on vacation in Hollywood***  
  
[After stumbling upon the box of discarded film reels, Nephrite and Catherine Bloom decide to take the film reels back to their hotel room for a relaxing evening of entertainment.]  
  
[Nephrite clicks on the film projector...]  
  
* * * * *  
  
TERMINATOR 2 Starring: Hino Rei (as Sarah Conner), Yui Heero (as T-800 aka Arnold), and Tsukino Shingo (as John Connor)  
  
[Heero, Rei and Shingo have just escaped from the T-1000. Both Heero and Rei have suffered some injuries. Heero is stitching up Rei's hand.]  
  
Rei: I didn't know you knew how to sew up a human.  
  
Heero: I have detailed files on the human anatomy.  
  
Rei: I bet that makes you a more efficient killer.  
  
Heero: Correct.  
  
Shingo (nervously): Does knowledge of the human anatomy make you more efficient in other things?  
  
Heero: My knowledge of the human anatomy, coupled with my anatomically correct design, enables me to be more efficient in...  
  
Rei: OKAY! Let's not get into details now.  
  
Rei (turns to look at Shingo): Did Minako make you ask that question?!  
  
Shingo (gulps and nods)  
  
Rei: Minako!!!  
  
(Giggling off-camera)  
  
Shingo (looking at the injuries on Heero's back): Does it hurt?  
  
Heero: I sense injuries. The data could be called 'pain'."  
  
Rei: Will they heal up?  
  
Heero (nods) (begins pulling bullets out of his body and setting his mechanical joints)  
  
Shingo: Can you learn? So you can be...you know...more human. Not such a dork all the time.  
  
Heero (turns to Shingo): Did you just call me a dork? Omae o korosu!  
  
* * * * *  
  
EMPIRE STRIKES BACK Starring: Duo Maxwell (as Luke Skywalker) and Zechs Marquis aka the Lightening Count aka Milliardo Peacecraft (as Darth Vader)  
  
[Zechs is towering over the hapless Duo, who is dangling dangerously over a ledge.]  
  
Zechs (breathing heavily in his mask): There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance to all those women out there! You have only begun to discover your true power. Join me and I will complete your training in the way of being a "Player". With our combined strength, we can have endless amounts of dates!  
  
Duo: I'll never join you, Zechs Vader! I hate you.  
  
Zechs (continues to breathe heavily): Don't hate the "Player", hate the "Game".  
  
Duo (jaw drops in shock)  
  
Zechs (mutters): I can't believe they put that in the script.  
  
Zechs (in loud breathy voice): Ahem. Anyhow, I think you would change your mind if you only knew the fun of being a "Player".  
  
Duo: I shall never be a "Player". I will only date honorably like my father.  
  
Zechs (breathes): You were never told of what happened to your father.  
  
Duo: Father Maxwell told me enough! He told me that you betrayed my real father!  
  
Zechs (breathes some more): No. I am your father!  
  
Duo: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!  
  
Zechs (in a really breathy voice): Search your feelings. You know it to be true. How else do you explain both our fetishes for long, luxurious hair? And our excessive use of conditioner?  
  
Duo: No! No! Well, maybe...  
  
Zechs (trying to sound like James Earl Jones): It is your destiny. Join me, and we can rule the social circles as father and son. Along with his Excellency Treize, we will be an unstoppable force at the club scene! Come with me and date all the women you want! It's the only way.  
  
Duo: Well, what if I don't want go THAT way all the time?  
  
* * * * *  
  
BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA Starring: Aino Minako (as Mina Murray) and Trowa Barton (as Count Dracula)  
  
Mina(ko): I've wanted this to happen. I know that now. I want to be with you always.  
  
Trowa: You cannot know what you are saying.  
  
Mina (rips open Trowa's shirt): Yes, I do. I feared I would never feel your touch again. I thought you were dead.  
  
Trowa (sadly): There is no life in this body.  
  
Mina: But you live! You live! What are you? I must know! You must tell me!  
  
Trowa: I am nothing, lifeless, soulless, hated and feared. I am dead to all the world...hear me! I am the monster that breathing men would kill. I am a LAWYER!  
  
Mina (beats her fists on Trowa's chest)  
  
Mina (sobbing): No! You were the one who filed the medical malpractice suit against Ami! (Mina collapses in Trowa's arms) But I love you. Oh, God forgive me, I do. I want to be what you are, see what you see, litigate what you litigate.  
  
Trowa: Mina, to walk with me, you must destroy your self-dignity, morality and honesty and be reborn as a creature such as myself.  
  
Mina: You are my love and my life always.  
  
Trowa: Then I grant you the everlasting power to file court motions, and the cunning to draft contracts that cannot be understood by any normal human mind. Walk with me to be my loving partner forever.  
  
Mina: I will. Yes, yes.  
  
Trowa (biting into her neck): Mmmmm.......tastes like chicken.  
  
* * * * *  
  
INDECENT PROPOSAL Starring: Kino Makoto (Demi Moore's character) and Quatre Raberba Winner (Robert Redford's character) (sorry, I never could force myself to watch the entire movie (shudder), but here's the gist of it)  
  
Quatre: I'm a multi-billionaire. But apparently, I have trouble getting dates.  
  
Makoto: I'm a poor, married woman, but I have an amazing body. I'm quite "talented".[1]  
  
Quatre: Ahem. Uhh.....so, how much?  
  
Makoto: How much for what?  
  
Quatre (embarrassed): You know...  
  
Makoto: What?  
  
Quatre (begging): Please, don't make me say it. You know what I want!  
  
Makoto (confused): WHAT?!  
  
Quatre (nearly in tears): Waaaaahhhhhhhh! I can't say it!  
  
* * * * * GONE WITH THE WIND Starring: Tsukino Usagi (as Scarlett O'Hara) and Chang Wufei (as Rhett Butler)  
  
Usagi: Oh, Wufei, Wufei, please don't say that. I'm so sorry. I'm soooooo sorry for everything!  
  
Wufei: Onna, you're such a child. You think that by saying I'm sorry, all the past can be corrected.  
  
Usagi (cries miserably): Waaaahhhh!  
  
Wufei: Here, take my handkerchief, onna. Never in any crisis of your life have I known you to have a handkerchief. And it's a surprise, since you cry so much.  
  
Usagi (blowing her nose): Wufei, Wufei where are you going?  
  
Wufei: I'm going to back to the Preventers. Back where I belong.  
  
Usagi: Please, please take me with you.  
  
Wufei: No. I'm through with everything here. I'm tired of all this peace and quiet, that's why I want to go back to the Preventers. I want to see if somewhere there is something that can give my life meaning, like stopping terrorists, fighting renegade mobile suits, or eating lots of donuts. Also, the pink-haired girl scares me quite a bit. Do you know what I'm talking about?  
  
Usagi: No. I only know that I love you.  
  
Wufei (smirks): That's your misfortune.  
  
Usagi: Wufei! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?  
  
Wufei: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.  
  
Usagi (sticks her tongue out at him): Frankly, Wufei, I don't give a damn, either!  
  
Wufei (faints from shock)  
  
Usagi (evil grin plastered across her face)  
  
Usagi (picks him up and carries him up the stairs) (don't ask what happens afterwards)  
  
* * * * *  
  
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY Starring: Mizuno Ami (as Sally), and Duo Maxwell (as Harry)  
  
[Ami and Duo are eating at a diner.]  
  
Duo: Why are you getting so upset? This isn't about you.  
  
Ami: Yes, it is. What you're doing is an affront to all women. And I'm a woman.  
  
Duo: Look, I don't feel great about it. But I don't hear anyone complaining.  
  
Ami: Of course not, you're out the door too fast.  
  
Duo: I think they liked it.  
  
Ami: How do you know?  
  
Duo: What do you mean how do I know...do you mean they fake it?  
  
Ami (nods): Most women have faked it one time or another.  
  
Duo (folds arms across his chest): Well, they haven't faked it with me.  
  
Ami: Are you sure?  
  
Duo: You don't think I can tell the difference?  
  
Ami (takes a bite out of the sandwich): Oh! Ohhhhh, Duo! Ohhh! Ahhhhhh!!! I want more!  
  
Duo (starts looking nervous as other diners turn to stare)  
  
Ami (continues in a loud voice): OOOOOHHHHHH! OOOOOHHHHHHHHH! DUO! I'm in heaven! Mmmmmmm...that was wonderful!  
  
Duo (horrified)  
  
Ami (innocently takes another bite of her sandwich): See? Lot's of women pretend to like their boyfriend's cooking.[2]  
  
* * * * *  
  
***Nephrite and Catherine Bloom on vacation in Hollywood***  
  
[Nephrite turns off the projector in shock.]  
  
[There are some knocks on the door. Nephrite gets up to answer the door.]  
  
Nephrite: Kunzite! Zoisite! Jadeite! Queen Beryl??? What the hell are you all doing here?  
  
Kunzite (coolly): We heard you were on vacation, so we decided to join you.  
  
Zoisite (glomps Kunzite): Party! Party!!! PARRRRRTTTTTY!!!!!!  
  
Nephrite: But if all of us are here...then who's playing our roles in Sailor Moon?  
  
Jadeite (shrugs): Who cares? I'm just here for the booze.  
  
Beryl: Ahh...yes! Let me try some of this..."booze"...perhaps it will help me devise a plan to take over the world! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Nephrite (hands a beer to Beryl): Try not to get too blasted this time, okay? I've got a guest here.  
  
Beryl (consumes beer): Thank you! HAHAHAHAHAHA! MORE!  
  
Catherine (confused): Nephrite? Who are all these people?  
  
Nephrite (embarrassed): Oh, these are just my co-workers. They don't get out much.  
  
Beryl (consumes mass quantities)[3]: I DEMAND MORE! HAHAHAHA! Hiccup!  
  
Catherine: Wow, that lady sure can drink a lot! Ummm...is it normal for her to turn THAT shade of purple???  
  
Footnotes:  
  
[1] This is a reference to the "dubbed" version of Episode 56 of the Sailor Moon anime (the infamous "Snow White" episode). The inner senshi bicker about who should get the role of Snow White for an upcoming play. Makoto suggests that she is best equipped to be Snow White because she has the largest chest. The DiC dub modified her lines to say that she was the most "talented". Therefore, "talent" equals.......  
  
[2] By the way, I believe that Mizuno Ami's official profile lists sandwiches as her favorite food. ;)  
  
[3] A reference to the Coneheads' consumption of "mass quantities" in the old Saturday Night Live episodes. I just love those old episodes.  
  
Author's Notes: Thanks for all the reviews. I also want to thank Blue Eyed Canadian Authoress for her suggestion about Nephrite. I will also try to consider using Sailor Hylia's recommendation sometime later. I apologize to Water Angel for not having Makoto play Relena, but I needed someone to play Catherine (and I thought Makoto suited to role best). I hope this installment was enjoyable. 


End file.
